~~i want to be everything you dreamed when you called my name~~

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Wrestling with Unbelief

A product of what God has been working in my life over the last 6 months or so, that finally clicked somewhere between youth service last night and my quiet time this morning...

Oh...this is good stuff! God is so good! I was reading in a couple of places this morning 2 Timothy (I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8), and for some reason I thought about Jacob...so I started reading generally about Jacob (Genesis 32) and how he wrestled with God, refusing to stop until God blessed him. And it hit me - God completely blessed Jacob after their wrestling match. Jacob refused to stop, having faith that God was going to bless him if he was persistent in pursuing God and it was because of Jacobs faith that God blessed him. This is the guy who stole his brothers birthright 5 chapters earlier, wrestling and being blessed by God because of his faith. He had figured something out, that God is faithful. And then it hit me back to 2 Timothy...Paul didnt say I have fought the good fight, I did everything perfectly...nope, he says I HAVE KEPT THE FAITH. And I realized that sometimes we run our race to the finish line its easier, things make sense, everything is clear. But other times, we wrestle our way to the finish line it's more difficult, it's hard to see God's hand...but either way God is calling us to be FAITHFUL to Him, to believe Him, to trust Him. I think I have had this faulty theology that if I'm wrestling my way through something must be wrong, I must not be lined up with God's plan. But God revealed to me this morning that wrestling is not the absence of faith...just like Jacob, He wants me to wrestle through some things with Him, knowing and believing that He will carry me through it. Faithfully. Because thats who He is, and what He does.

I know that He has me here for a higher purpose than getting my PhD...thats just a piece that I need for what He has planned. I have no idea what that final product is, but I know that He will be faithful to me to get me to that finish line...even if I have to wrestle my way there! I've been focusing on the wrong things...how hard this has been, how frustrated I am, how nothing seems to be working how I think it should...but God is asking me to look elsewhere up to Him. To get rid of that unbelief in my heart...that unbelief that is moved by what it sees, rather than by what God has done or said...that unbelief that instills that spirit of fear in my heart, keeping me from moving...that unbelief that is negative, making me think I can't do it. I have to shift my perspective higher - fix my gaze on the Lord and His Word - and keep my faith in check. I know that my God is faithful, I know that He loves me beyond what I can ever think or imagine, and I know that He rewards faith He credits it to me as righteousness (Romans 4). If I'm going to err in this thing...I'm going to err on the side of FAITH, rather than sitting here in the safety zone not believing.

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